I was feeling so frustrated about my life wondering how I got here, and how I can get out. Why do I feel like I'm either stuck in my own life, or backsliding after what seemed like progress?
I thought, "all I ever do is try to fix things for myself and those around me". In that moment I was very focussed on trying to figure out who I can blame for sabotaging my efforts. It couldn't be me.
My father is narcissistic. He hates me and tries to tear me down every chance he gets. My mother is codependent. She sabotages me to get her needs met. So it has to be their fault, right?
While it's very healthy to understand the dynamics of toxic situations to get a grip on what's really going on, is it really that healthy to focus on blame? If I do manage to figure out who exactly sabotaged me here, what would that accomplish?
The real question is not "whose fault is it?" The real question is "how do I solve the problem?" We don't solve problems by blaming others. In fact, when we blame others we give our power away. It sounds paradoxical however when we blame others we are giving them responsibility for our feelings and actions. Yes, true they may have done or said things that caused the situation, but what's necessary to realize for real progress is our own responsibility in it.
Do you want to be mad? Do you want to make sure they hurt as much as you hurt? Or do you want to be happy?
Often times when we focus on blaming others, we are focussed on the pain. When we put energy into making others see whose fault things are, we are taking energy away from what will make us happy.
I'm not in any way telling you to allow people to continue to treat you in a way that hurts you. I'm telling you that once you see what's going on, you can choose to turn your focus towards what you can do about it.
Sometimes it feels like you can't do anything about it. Sometimes you feel like the only thing you can do about it is make them stop. However, that's an illusion.
You can't make others do anything. You can try, by force or manipulation. I'm sure maybe you can trick, or scare them into it, but in the end, they themselves will always have to choose what they do or say. When you trick or scare someone into something they are still choosing.
The same thing goes for you. When others try to force or manipulate you into doing things, in the end, you are always making the choice to do it even if that choice is being made out of fear or confusion.
You had the power the whole time.
So yes people around you may be sabotaging you. They may be manipulating you. They may be brainwashing you. But in the end, you still have all the power. You are just temporarily giving it away.
The message in this is to take your power back.
Yes, I know easier said than done. However, if you don't choose to take your power back, you may spend the rest of your life trying to change toxic people who will never change.