Updated: May 9, 2019
There is one major question to ask yourself to discover how much or little you love yourself:
Why am I doing/saying this?
Your intention behind what you’re doing and saying tells you where your head is at and how much you love and respect yourself. If you are doing things to please others or affect how they perceive you that is a sign that you are seeking validation from outside yourself. Loving yourself is based on your ability to self validate.
If you truly love yourself you can say things like, I don’t care if they think I’m a good person/smart person/attractive person. I know who I am, I know where I need to grow, and I like myself right now just the way I am.”
Doing something so people think you are nice is not the same as being nice. Being nice, means you do something to be of service to others despite how you will be perceived. It means that you will do something because you believe it’s the right thing to do, even if no one knows you did it, and even if people give you sh*t for doing it. The way people perceive you due to your choice is not a factor in why you made the decision.
This can be confusing for two reasons:
· Could it just be a self confidence issue?
· And what about people perceiving you as an a**hole?
Hesitating to make decisions without other people’s validation or input sounds like it could be a confidence thing, and while confidence and self love go hand in hand in many ways, there’s a difference. Lack of confidence would cause you to hesitate in doing something without someone else’s validation because you are unsure of the outcome or repercussions of your actions and what kind of damage you could cause. Lack of Self love is an emphasis on how the action would affect people’s perception of you.
If your focus is on “will this person think I’m an a**hole” it is still on how you will be perceived by others. If your focus is on how you will make them feel, that’s different. It’s the exact same as service to self vs service to others. Where is your focus? Do you care more about the other person liking you, even if it means you will have to lie to them? Or do you care more about how your actions or words will affect that other person even if it means they would hate you because you told them something they didn’t want to, but needed, to hear. You can’t control how people react, you can only control your intentions. People pleasing may feel like the easy option, but in the long run it’s is not good for anyone, and it’s a big sign that there is some healing that needs to happen.