In my video “Are you too nice” I mention boundaries. Now I want to take explain what I’m talking about and why they are absolutely crucial. The biggest reason we get taken advantage of is because we have shi*t boundaries. Many people don’t even know what boundaries are, let alone how to have them.
What Are Boundaries
No Means No
A boundary, in general terms, is a line that is meant to not be crossed. Your personal boundaries are the separation between what you will allow and no allow from people.
If you say “no” you are expressing where your boundary is. The problem comes when we say “no” and don’t enforce our boundary, in other words letting people do it anyway, and when we don’t say “no” even though we want to because we fear the consequences or feel like we don’t have the right to.
Our standards of what we are willing to accept and not accept are our boundaries. If you let people
Why We have sh*t boundaries
When you think of saying no…
you might feel resistance because:
- you don’t want to hurt someone
- you don’t want to lose someone
- You don’t want anyone get upset with you
- You may have been punished for it in the past: If you’ve ever said no, or put your foot down and were punished by an abusive parent, or you lost your “friends”, or someone got upset and cried, screamed at you, etc…
- You had bad examples: A parent or person of significance had no boundaries and you took that behavior on as normal. No one showed you when it was appropriate to say no.
- You may be an empath: you feel people’s response when you assert your boundary, and it could be disappointment, hurt, anger, resentment, and feel like you made the wrong decision.
How To Have Strong Boundaries
Say NO and back it up
- When you think no say no
- when you don’t feel right about it say no.
- When you say no back it up: If someone asks you to do something and you don’t want to say no and don’t do it. If they pester or guilt-trip you leave, hang up, shut your ringer… do what you have to do to stand by that no. Respecting your own no is respecting yourself, and anyone who can’t respect your know, and instead persists, is showing you that they don’t respect you. If you say no, and they try to make you feel bad or guilty they are manipulating you. It doesn’t mean they are a bad person, even kids manipulate us all the time, but it does mean that you are playing a game.
Let people get upset
Let people throw a fit. Let people leave.
- The people who truly care about you won’t leave: People who truly care about you respect your limits.
- the ones who don’t care about you should leave: It’s better for you to not have people around you who don’t truly care about you because they are a bad influence, it makes room for those who do,
- it teaches people to respect you and allows them to come back when they are ready to treat you right.